Have you ever felt like you had to keep talking, not because you enjoyed it, but because you saw it as your responsibility to fill any awkward gaps of silence in the conversation? Or because you couldn’t stand the thought that someone may have been unaware of your accomplishments or your expertise on a topic? Or because you were sure that if you persisted long enough, you would eventually be able to persuade the other person that you were right?
In these situations, you usually know on some level that your motives are not just to communicate but to avoid becoming vulnerable or to make sure you are not ignored, disrespected or undervalued. This is why you feel listless or anxious and may leave a gathering with a sense of emptiness or exhaustion rather than the satisfaction of having connected with another human being.
Talkativeness, St. John tells us, is a grievous offense. Preoccupation with what we say and should say does not leave us with enough inner silence to be able to listen. It squanders our resources outward; strips us from inner peace and blocks spiritual nourishment leaving us vulnerable to despair. Like gluttony, talkativeness is an addiction; and like all addictions, it drives and controls the “talker,” rather than be controlled by him. Once you abandon self- discipline and the dike bursts open through what John calls “a relaxed lifestyle,” it is very difficult to mend the hole and stem the flood. As John says:
“It is hard to keep water in without a dike.”
No wonder John calls talkativeness “the darkening of prayer” and gateway to despondency.
Why is it that talkativeness leads to despondency? Talkativeness, John tells us, encourages the talker to dwell on destructive trains of thought such as recollections of wrongs or bragging. Compulsive talking can easily evolve into gossip or slander; tempt us to boast, lie or deceive in efforts to impress or manipulate others.
“Despondency or tedium of the spirit,” according to John, is “the paralysis of the soul.” We remain frozen and in limbo as we constantly procrastinate about what is important—reciting the psalms, praying, helping someone, connecting with others, loving and empathizing, doing our share of work. Instead of getting to our tasks, we distract ourselves with unimportant trivia.
I remember my compulsion to cook and clean the house when I was having a hard time starting the first chapter of my dissertation. This was my way of postponing a task that seemed to me insurmountable at the time.
Despondency implies the loss of all hope, according to St. John. “It is a voice claiming that God has no mercy and no love for man.”
Have you ever had the dream of being unable to finish your packing to get to the airport on time for your flight? In my version of this dream, instead of focusing on how to reduce my load to expedite my trip, I feel compelled to bring the entire contents of a hotel room, filled to the brim with clothes and toys. Each time I think I am done with packing, I discover yet another enormous quantity of clothes and toys behind a closet door or in a drawer, that needs to be packed.
I lose all hope of catching my flight, but I continue with the impossible task of stuffing a household worth of stuff into my suitcase without an end in sight.
The cure to my anguish would have been to exercise self-control and pack lightly, with only what was absolutely necessary .
For John the solution to spiritual tedium is the remembrance of death and past sins so that we can clearly perceive what is important and necessary and, thus, apply restraint.
The man who mourns for himself does not suffer from tedium
Readings in Philokalia 